PHP: Hiding Behind Visibility

People Healing People 

Hiding Behind Visibility  


         Recently, one of my favorite cousins and I were recapping our most recent therapy session and the conversation led to the topic of visibility. She mentioned how feeling invisible played a major role in most of the things that therapy is helping unlearn. It made me realize how much visibility actually allowed me to hide. I know, it sounds crazy, but it's so true. Being almost six feet tall, plus sized, deeply pigmented, and then becoming a model allowed me to hide behind the varying perceptions of my appearance. A confidence that was silently alluded and essentially made up. A facade that was created in the minds of others, and eventually exploited by me. 
        "Fake it until you make it", but to where and to what end? I faked it and made it to the start of what appeared to be a fruitful modeling career. It appeared fruitful because my intended destination was never actually made clear. I guess it's true when they say that drive can get you to places that only character can keep you. The truth is, my entire experience as a model was completely accidental in regard to my own intention, though it may not have been accidental in regard to God's will. 
"Maya Majesty" represents me in and to the world, while everything that is Maya Angelah is an expression of my spirit. Notice the change in concept: representation vs expression. 
         I did all I could to paint myself in alignment with the interpretation of that part of me that is Maya Majesty on social media. Seen, but only kind of seeking; giving you a favor through the opportunity of having a glimpse of the “me” you thought I was. Both public and private. Controlling whatever narrative you choose. Whilst PHP and @anti_niche are manifestations of my true being, Maya Angelah, me at my core. Creation based on experiences that belong to life; the life that is mine, life of those I’ve genuinely experienced, and of those who genuinely experienced me. 
        Just as much as the comparison of Maya Majesty & Maya Angelah is based on truth, its realization was unintentional; It was happened upon and seen against. It took me a while to decide to share this because besides this being extremely vulnerable, I'm aware of what other perspectives can be taken from this. Perspectives based in judgment, and perspectives with shallow roots.  I am admitting to the mere contradiction that resides within me, yet still giving both parts the validation of being true and authentically me.
        Yes, I did in fact try so hard and care so much about being seen, heard, and understood by everyone outside of me. Also, yes, now I care so much and try so hard to be seen, heard, and understood by me alone. I am currently experiencing life as the woman explaining concepts like these because I believe that truth is an art that ought to be shared more often, so who am I to not openly share mine? Also, why would I not? Who am I to not hone a characteristic that I feel would improve the human experience and in what world is the art of my truth exempt? 
        That's me though, never wanting to be too good to, just as much as never wanting to be not good enough to. Passionately impartial, fluidly intent, blatantly human, Maya Angelah.

 "Who we were, who we are, and who we will someday be is somewhere in between being an enigma and being all the same."


Later but soon, 

Maya Angelah



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